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Friday, 27 November, 2020

Would You Believe. . .

Date: 15 December, 2008

By: Chief

Imagehat lawyers have no sense of humor? Well, it is sad to say but it is true nonetheless. As was reported by the Associated Press (AP) two folks from the Americans for Legal Reform cracked a joke while awaiting entry into a courthouse that went like this:

"How do you tell when a lawyer is lying?

" 'His lips are moving' they said in unison."

Actually, having known some lawyers, I must agree with the pair. However, according to the AP report, some lawyer heard what the two people said and was — insulted. So said lawyer went and tattled on the joke cracking duo to court personnel and the two citizens were arrested and charged "with disorderly conduct."

Bummer. I liked the joke. It has a rather distinctive ring of truth to it don't you think?

Further, according to Dan Bagnuola, a spokesman for the Nassau County (NY) courts, he did not have the name of the lawyer who did the complaining (whining).

Gee now isn't that convenient? Old Dan the court man just happened to forget the name of the no sense of humor lying lawyer. I do hope that the arresting officer or officers got the name so the pair of jokesters can face their accuser. Which just happens to be one of our Sixth Amendment rights guaranteed under our Constitution.

Lawyers just do not seem to understand, or maybe they do, and because of it they can not deal with the fact that some people, most more than likely, (a) do not trust lawyers any further than they can throw the starboard anchor of the Queen Mary and (b) hate their guts with a passion.

As you can tell I have absolutely nothing but contempt for lawyers. They are two legged snakes. No more and probably much less. It just seems fitting. Snakes. Lawyers. Can you tell the difference? More accurately, is there a difference? And jokes. There are more lawyer jokes, none of which are complimentary, than there are of the infamous dumb blond jokes.

By the way:

Do you know why all 'blond' jokes are one-liners?

It is so that brunettes can understand them.

I like that one also. But, back to lawyers. Oh, I've got one for you:

How do you get an attorney out of a tree?

You cut the rope.

Here is another one for you:

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Lawyers prefer to keep people in the dark.

Here is another one (I never tire of this):

How do you tell if a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get your fingers between his neck and the noose.

One last one:

What is black and brown and looks real good on a lawyer?

A Rottweiler.

See what I mean? There are an infinite number of lawyer jokes. And none of them are nice as you can tell. On the other hand, why should they be nice? Lawyers make their fortune from other people's misery. Be that misery criminal or civil in nature, it is still misery. Additionally when lawyers are not feeding off of people's misery, they are the cause of people's misery.

Ever read a contract? I'll be willing to bet that by the time you were done reading the blasted thing, assuming you or anybody else for that matter could understand what was written, you were both cross eyed and miserable.

There are Congressional lawyers in both houses of Congress. Most state legislatures have, at the very least, a legislative counsel. The president has both an official White House counsel and a personal counsel. The same holds true with state chief executives. Their jobs, however, are the same. Protect their client, members of Congress, state legislators, president, etc., and to review and ensure that whatever bill or executive order is either in the process of passage or signing should pass constitutional muster. I cannot speak for the former, but for the latter it certainly appears that most bills and executive orders fail to pass muster. Which is why most laws end up being adjudicated in court. Not that that gives one much confidence — anymore.

Another prime example is our current and completely broken patent system. Inventions and innovation should be on the endangered species list. What matters now is how well a patent attorney can write. I mean that. Patents have been issued for things, notably software, where there is an abundance of prior art — stuff that had already been created and copyrighted prior to the patent being applied for. As such, a particular patent should not have ever been issued. However, because of the writing skills of the attorney, a patent was issued and now must be contested. This happens all the bloody time.

The absolute worst situation about lawyers directly involves judges. All judges are lawyers. So what we have here is a classic example of asking your neighborhood fox to guard your chicken coop. I have personally witnessed judges letting a very prominent attorney off the criminal hook for drunk driving (it was the attorneys fourth or fifth bust for DWI/DUI). Directly after that case the very same judge slammed another defendant — a non-attorney don't you know — for the very same offense (it was this everyday Joe's second or third bust for DWI/DUI). Must take care of the brotherhood at all costs. Equal justice my never mind.

Another thing about lawyers, they get paid no matter whether they win or lose a case. While I must admit that there are cases which are more important than others, the most important case in the whole wide world is the one in which you are directly involved. No matter, you win, your lawyer gets paid. You lose, your lawyer still gets paid. Talk about a win - win situation. Hah, but only for the lawyer. And the dirtbags are not cheap either.

Yes there are some good lawyers ... somewhere. Most of us have never met one, let alone more than one. What we do hear about is the 99.9 percent of the lawyers who give the rest (.1 percent) of the lawyers a bad name. That, friends and neighbors, is no laughing matter. It isn't even a joke.

One thing to remember about lawyers as applied from snakes is that not all snakes are rattlesnakes, but every rattlesnake is a snake. How very apropos.

Sorry, but I just cannot resist, I really can't. One last lawyer joke and I'm done. Here 'tis:

What is the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?

There are skid marks in front of the dog.

You're welcome.

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