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Tuesday, 01 December, 2020

Christ is Coming

Date: 15 June, 2008

By: Chief

Imagend he will not be met with open arms. In fact he had better watch his back. Indeed I would go so far as to say that should Jesus actually make another appearance — his longevity will be far shorter this time than it was the first time around.

Think I'm kidding? No? Oh, you think I'm crazy? Not by a long shot, my fine feathered billiard balls.

One of the many supermarket tabloids, which anyone with a working brain uses on the bottom of their bird cage (except for the Men in Black), has reported that Jesus Christ, yes the very same Jesus Christ of biblical fame or infamy (depending upon your point of view), will make a come back, the second coming on — September 11th, 2008.

Well, a very deep subject, that got my wife and I to thinking and to laughing. What we were laughing about was what would happen to Christ should he reappear.

Let me tell you something, here in the southwest, the land of the good, gen-u-wine, church a-going Christians, someone who appeared and claimed to be Jesus Christ would be:

Something else to think about is how would Jesus prove he is:

And finally the:

Would you believe some utter and complete stranger sporting long hair, a beard (heaven forbid), wearing a robe, sash and sandals was Jesus Christ? Well would you?

Probably not.

Sadly, most people would not. Without doubt, I think, most people would require or demand — proof. Most people, especially the clergy and all good Christians, would not and could not take it on faith. Rather hypocritical of them don't you think? Christians expect and demand that we take their beliefs as fact. To be sure, as — gospel. Yet these same holier-than-thou'ers would outright refuse to take Christ's second coming as fact, as gospel, without proof.

Besides what if Jesus could not and was never able to perform miracles? Only the Bible says Christ was able to perform miracles. I know of no one, living or dead, who can substantiate the Biblical claims. But even if he could not perform miracles, then or now, does that nullify him as the actual Jesus Christ? The true son of God. I would certainly think not. The Bible, after all, was written in the pattern of 'Tales of the Arabian Nights' (also known as One Thousand and One Nights) or vice versa. They are both moral stories. A series of how to live stories. Neither are fact.

On the other hand, if Jesus was to reappear in the deep south and was able to perform miracles, the Southern Baptists, Evangelical Christians and other primitive tribes would burn him at the stake for being a sorcerer. I would have to say that would clearly be a no win situation.

Yet if Jesus was to reappear somewhere on the planet would the people of that particular area of the world even be able to understand him? Face it the Aramaic language is no longer a well known language and hasn't been for over a 1000 years.

But where in the world and I mean that quite literally, would Jesus choose to make his second coming? I suppose he could go and talk to dear old dad and have dad pull a few strings and — poof — show up wherever he wanted. However, logically speaking, Jerusalem would appear to be the geographical location of choice for the second coming.

Can you imagine what would happen to Christ if he in fact did show up in Israel? And Jerusalem in particular? I can think of three scenarios and none of them are good. Jesus could be:

Not a good way to start off the second coming.

Christ had better not be dumb enough to show up at the Vatican. The Swiss guards would shish ka bob him instantly or shoot him on sight — just to protect the Pope, the Catholic Church and the Pope's power:

'We can't have the real savior walking around and telling the world the Pope is a moron, now can we?'

'It would make the church look bad'.

Shot on sight on the same day as his second coming. Definitely not a good way to spread the holy word. Ya know what I mean? Sure you do.

Now why would anybody, other than the supermarket tabloids, think Jesus would make his second coming appearance here in this country? The idea is completely ludicrous. This country did not even make the map until the Vikings found the North American Continent approximately 10 centuries after the death of Christ.

Not only does Christ not speak English, just think of all the fun Jesus will have attempting to explain who he is and how he got into the country. The FBI, Secret Service, INS and all the other alphabet soup cop shop agencies would be going nuts just trying to identify him. I can just hear it (assuming Christ could speak English):

(Federal agent) Q: May I see your passport?

(Jesus) A: I don't have one.

Q: May I see your green card?

A: I don't have one.

Q: May I see some form of photo ID?

A: Huh?

Q: Where did you come from?

A: Which time?

Q: Do you have a Social Security card?

A: A what?

Q: Where were you born?

A: Bethlehem.

Q: What year were you born?

A: Zero.

As you might guess things will from bad to worse rather quickly. Furthermore since Jesus was born somewhere in the middle east he, unlike what the Bible depicts, will not look at all like a white European male. Far from it. As such he will be taken into custody — if he is not shot on sight or hung — while our federal government tries to figure out who he really is. After all, he just couldn't be who he says he is. Why that is ridiculous. So thinks(?) the federal bureaucratic mind.

Ultimately Jesus will end up either being shipped to the Guantanamo Bay Cross Bars Bed and Breakfast as a suspected international terrorist for the rest of his life or he will be incarcerated here in the U.S. while awaiting a deportation hearing.

That ought to be quite entertaining don't you think? A deportation hearing. As it would be the second coming what exactly would Christ's country of origin be? Heaven? That would be rich.

Hence, should Jesus make a second coming appearance there is one burning question that remains —


If he is smart — he will run for his very life.

[Ed. note: This story has been updated.]

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