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Friday, 20 April, 2018
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Chevy Sucks

Date: 01 November, 2007

By: Chief

Imagen fact Chevrolet blows so much and so badly that I have nicknamed the president of the Chevrolet division of General Motors "Windy."

Regrettably I can tell you, from first hand experience no less, that Chevy sucks and for two distinct reasons:

I recently had the extreme misfortune to drive a Chevy Cobalt (the LS model) on a 420 mile round trip visit to the oral surgeon. Yes, that is the closest one to where I live and my son had to have his wisdom teeth removed — what a fun trip that was! Well, I was driving a near new 2006 Cobalt with 21,000 miles on it and thus compared it to our trusty 1995 Geo Metro with 228,000 hard miles on her.

Let me say this up front, loud and clear — there is no comparison. Our 1995 Geo Metro is vastly superior in every aspect to a near new 2006 Cobalt LS.

With that said let us start comparing the two vehicles:

Fuel economy

In some places of our country gasoline is quite a bit over $3.00 bucks a gallon. The Cobalt has a 2.2 liter, 148 horsepower engine. In other words gas mileage stinks. Under 30 miles per gallon of gas. And that is on the highway. That blows. Right Windy? But our wonderful Geo Metro has a 1.0 liter, 60 plus horsepower 3 cylinder (you read that correctly — 3 screamin' cylinders of pure stomp power) and delivers 52.75 miles per gallon — in town. On the highway it is more. Score one for Grizzy (we name everything and our Metro is named Griselda or Grizzy for short).

Performance

You would think that the Cobalt, with over twice the power of our beloved Geo Metro, would at least have enough acceleration to get out of its own way. Not hardly. The piece of crap Cobalt is a performance dog, in town or on the open highway. A gen-u-wine hair lipped dog, mark, mark. The Metro with its 5 speed manual gear box is faster off the line than the Cobalt. Now on the open road, at say 60 miles per hour, the Cobalt has a faster acceleration than the Geo. BFD.

Headroom

The Cobalt is a fairly big car and you would reasonably assume that a bigger car would have more headroom than the smaller Metro. Wrong. The Metro has quite a bit, 2 - 4 inches at least, more headroom than the bloody Cobalt.

Comfort

The seats in the Cobalt were like sitting on a steel plate or a pile of real sharp and very hard rocks. By the time the trip was over I was in quite a bit of pain (my spine is fusing so hard seats really hurt). The Geo's seats, on the other hand, are quite comfortable even though the car has 228,000 plus miles on her.

Usability

In this category the Cobalt really blows. And badly.

To start with the door handle and window crank handle are almost nearly inaccessible unless you lean forward and twist your upper body towards the door. That ain't real good for keeping one's eyes on the road. Not so with our trusty Geo Metro - they are right at the drivers left fingers.

The same holds absolutely true for the emergency brake. Just try to find the God dog thing in the Cobalt. It's there all right but you have to go on an Easter egg hunt to find it. With the Geo it is perfectly and readily available. No Easter egg hunt involved.

Moving right along is the utterly idiotic design of the Cobalt's dashboard. Yes, there is a speedometer and it even works. Additionally there is a gas gauge and it works as well. Both are where you can actually see them fairly easily and thankfully neither are digital. But that is as far as it goes. Where, oh where, is the water temperature gauge or the oil pressure gauge? Well guess what boys and girls? They are nowhere to be found. Instead there is a tachometer. And, to make matters worse, contained within the tachometer is a digital (gag) odometer.

What a crock of crap. The Cobalt is in no way a race car. As such there is absolutely no, as in zero, reason for a tachometer. There is, however, a very, very valid reason for water temperature gauge, at a bare bones minimum. How about not burning up the engine? Hey, it makes sense to me. But oh no. There is simply an idiot light. And idiot lights come on, if they function at all — too late. Hence, bye - bye engine. Hello real expensive repair bill. What a bunch of dolts. Our magnificent Geo Metro has no tachometer but it does have real gauges and a non-digital odometer.

And speaking of odometers, the blasted Cobalt's digital odometer works only some of the time. If you have the daytime driving lights turned off the odometer does not work. Instead of mileage you get this moronic message stating 'auto lights off' (or words to that effect). Additionally the blasted thing may display a "change oil soon" message. Further it would display the purported outside air temperature. Inaccurately of course. Naturally the Metro gave us a non-digital odometer which did exactly what it was supposed to do — record and display the bloody mileage.

Now here is a real humdinger, the climate controls.

Yes indeed! You want to see a real mess? Then look no further than where the climate controls on the Chevrolet Cobalt are located. The controls are located at the very bottom of the center console. This means that the driver must take his or her eyes off the road in order to adjust the interior temperature or and more importantly, the windshield defroster. Can you say S-T-U-P-I-D? Well I figured you could but it is just as obvious that the morons Chevy hired as design engineers cannot. Not so with our wonderful Geo Metro. All climate controls are located at the top of the center console — which is just where they should be.

Another real barn burner is the radio/CD controls.

Chevy engineers, in a fit of supreme stupidity, placed the radio/CD controls above the climate controls in the center console. Furthermore the controls are either labeled with abbreviations for their individual meaning or with some idiotic symbol. Either way the system is useless and requires the driver to, once again, take his or her eyes off the road so they can adjust their tunes. The Geo's radio/CD controls are located below the climate controls on the center console. I must admit the controls are not in the best of locations but compared to the Cobalt — the Geo's are much better. And, believe it or not, the controls are in English. What a concept — and one which is lost on the Cobalt engineers.

The transmission stick on the Cobalt (this one had an automatic) is topped with a round ball. Gee, how wonderful. To bad the human hand is shaped in the form of a 'T'. Hence, the ball was not at all comfortable, though, surprisingly enough, it did do its job. The drive indicator (the P, R, N, 3, 2, 1 indicator) however, was almost impossible to see unless, once again, the driver took his or her eyes completely off the frapping road and looked straight down. That is wreck waiting to happen. Our trusty - dusty Geo was equipped with a 5 speed manual gearbox and the stick top is shaped to conform to the average human hand. Another vastly superior idea from Geo.

Here is the last item I'll discuss — the gas tank filler tube location.

In the Cobalt the rotten thing is located on the passenger side of the car. This means the the driver must pull to the opposite of the gas pump and walk around to the passenger side of the Cobalt in order to put some gas in the tank. My God people, what were those automotive engineers thinking? A three year old kid knows better than that. These Cobalt engineers must have been on some kind real powerful hallucinogenic to come up that foolish an idea. The Metro's gas tank filler tube is located exactly where one would expect it to be found — on the driver's side rear quarter panel.

You see what I mean? A 2006 Chevy Cobalt when compared to a 1995 Geo Metro just doesn't even come close. The Metro is the finest car ever built — period.

The engineers who designed the Geo Metro knew what they were doing and did it beautifully. In fact I have never, as in ever, met an owner of a Geo Metro who didn't love the little car. That is saying something folks.

The moronic engineers Chevy had working on the Cobalt should hang their collective heads in shame and disgust. They have singularly created an expensive pile of garbage. They should all be fired then lined up against the nearest wall and shot.

Chevrolet needs to be rewarded for designing such a pile of crap by going bankrupt. They have earned it in spades.

Isn't that right — Windy?

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