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Tuesday, 24 November, 2020

The Ultimate Interview

Date: 01 April, 2007

By: Chief

Imagefter reading about all this going on about religion over the years and whose religion is to be believed and so on and so forth I got to thinking about what 'God' or 'Allah' or 'Yahweh' (Yhwh) or 'Buddha' or whomever you call whatever you believe might have to say about the subject. Further, I could not help but wonder if there is only a single God or whatever. What if there was more than one? Kind of divvying up the labor creating the universe and all that. Plus I wondered what God or the Gods thought about us and our ways of living. Us as in the human species — Homo Sapiens.

I talked it over with my wife and she, being an extremely intelligent woman, thought that if God or the Gods ever came back and took a look at their handy work they would be real angry at the way we humans have screwed things up from 'A' to 'Z'. I dare say that I believed her to be (as usual) correct.

Quite sometime later I had a real weird idea. Wouldn't it be a hoot to interview God. If nothing else we could get his take on things. Nothing like hearing it from the source, you know. So I brought that idea up with my wife over dinner and the first thing she said was "what makes you think God is a he?" I told her it was just a figure of speech. But she did agree that it would fun to interview — 'Da Man'.

Time went by and naturally I had completely forgotten about the God gig. Then one beautiful afternoon (they all are here) there was a knock on the door. My wife opened the door and there was this really beautiful woman standing on our porch.

"You wanted to interview me." She said.

My wife and I both went 'huh' or something to that effect.

This strange lady continued:

"Remember you both discussed interviewing God over dinner one evening a few months ago and, well, here I am."

As there was no one else in the house when we had that dinner conversation my wife and I decided that, how else would or could this woman know about that if she were not God. So, with more than a little trepidation we invited this lady into our home.

Pleasantries were exchanged and we offered God some really good New Mexico Piñon coffee which she accepted gratefully. If nothing else it can be said that God does know good coffee when she smells it. You just can't beat New Mexico Piñon coffee. It is the finest sipping coffee in the world. Period.

Interviewing God

I got my trusty pencil and some paper and while kicking back in the living room I started the interview.

Chief: "What should I call you or how should I address you God?"

God: "You may call me Ma'am."

Chief: "Yes God ... er ... Ma'am. Are you the only God or is there more than one?"

God: "There are several of us. The universe is quite large you know and even we Gods like company."

Chief: "Is there an ultimate God — a boss God?"

God: "Of course not. Don't be ridiculous. We are all equals."

Chief: "Are you, well, married or something like that?"

God: "I have my partner, a man, and we have been living together, quite happily, for a very long time."

Chief: "Is there life on other planets or just here on Earth?"

God: "Of course there is life on other planets. Lots of other planets in numerous galaxies."

Chief: "Then how come we can't make contact with life forms on other planets Ma'am?"

God: "Why in the universe would any intelligent species desire to communicate with your kind? The only thing the human race has ever accomplished is creating weapons that you can use to more efficiently kill each other off. In short, other species view the human race as an infectious disease. And that is being extremely polite about it."

Chief: "Are we humans really that bad in the eyes of the universe?"

God: "No. Actually humans are worse."

Chief: "But Ma'am according to legend you, God, created us."

God: "Which just goes to show you that even Gods can make a mistake and as it applies to the human race, I'll admit it, we Gods screwed up. However, we corrected our error on other planets."

Chief: "Wonderful. There is a huge debate about how we, the human race, were created. Would you care to, shall we say, shed some light on our creation?"

God: "Your species, like all other species throughout the universe, are initially created in a cauldron. We use, well, something similar to a recipe. After that we place you on a planet and then let nature take its course."

Chief: "Earlier you said that even Gods can make a mistake. What, was the mistake with us?"

God: "When your species was initially being brewed or mixed I added a little to much of one ingredient — emotion."

Chief: "Yeah, I can actually understand that. We humans do tend to let our emotions run away with us. Ma'am, was there truly a 'Garden of Eden' or 'Paradise'?"

God: "Absolutely. The whole Earth is — or was — a 'Garden of Eden' — a 'Paradise'. But you humans have pretty well messed that up. All for greed. All for minuscule power.

"You know when I first placed people on Earth I scattered them all over the globe. I made sure the Earth was bountiful and there would be plenty of water, animals, fruits and vegetables to eat. Y'all would be self-sufficient. Man and woman were complete equals.

"Now look at what you've done to the planet. Your species basically destroys everything you touch and what is worse is that y'all don't even care. About the only ones who lived in harmony with the Earth were Indians and Africans and look what your kind did to them. And these cities of yours, all concrete, steel and blacktop. What an ugly site. It reminds me of a rat warren. Your monstrous cities are even changing the climate. What a bunch of dolts your lot has become."

Chief: "Yes Ma'am. Moving right along — you, as God, are probably aware that people throughout the globe have various forms of religion. All of these religions are in place to worship you. Did any of them, any religion get it even partly correct and if so, which ones?"

God: "Let me answer the second part first. The Pagans, American Indians and some African tribes are the ones of your species who have come the closest.

"That said, your organized religions, we Gods call them 'ORs', don't even come close. They are not even in the game. They are a sham of the worst kind.

"None of us God's asked y'all to worship us. Not nary a one of us. We are not egotistical. We know what we are about.

"This worship business came out of some idiotic human writings. Books, written by men for men, after men had, for some unknown reason, decided that being equal with women was not good enough for them and over time subjugated women as basically slaves for the male. Your species has gone down hill ever since.

"You use religion as a pretext for war, murder, mayhem, genocide and enslavement. You use the excuse 'in the name of God' or 'for the glory of God' as justification to commit these atrocities. We Gods find it heinous, stupid and pure fraud. I'll tell you something else, we Gods never, as in ever, told y'all that war, murder, mayhem, genocide and enslavement were what we wanted y'all to do. We don't want that. In fact we want the exact opposite. But, trying to pound that idea through your thick, testosterone driven egos is like trying to squeeze blood out of a turnip.

"Why don't you worship each other? Why don't you worship the Earth and Sky as well. Treat each other and each sex as equals instead of enemies and slaves. And quit worshiping power and that worthlessly vile thing you call money. Y'all would be far better off if you did.

"Make love — not war as the saying goes."

Chief: "Makes sense to me. Ma'am being that all 'ORs' are way off the mark was there such a thing as 'God's chosen people'?"

God: "Yes and no. As a species you all were my chosen people. But as to individual races of your species — no. I have no chosen race."

Chief: "I noticed you said 'were my chosen people'. Would you please clarify that statement?"

God: "After all the horrid things y'all have done and continue to do to millions and millions of people for power, greed and allegedly in my name, are you really that much of a dunderhead that I should actually have to clarify that statement?"

Chief: "Ah, not me. No Ma'am. Not at all."

God: "Good. Your species had better get its act together and do it soon."

Chief: "Don't hold your breath Ma'am."

God: "I'm not."

Chief: "Ma'am, here is another one for you, sex. Is sex strictly for procreation?"

God: "No, no, no. Sex is not strictly for procreation. That is just more of the 'OR' propaganda. Sex is something to be enjoyed. So enjoy it. Just be responsible for your actions. Though come to think about it, being responsible is not a strong suit of your kind."

"I'll tell you another thing, your species needs to practice birth control in the worst way. Y'all multiply like rabbits."

Chief: "What about the immaculate conception — Ma'am?"

God: "You mean the immaculate 'deception', and that should answer that question."

Chief: "Yes Ma'am. Ma'am, is there a heaven or a hell?"

God: "No. Not even. There is simply life and death. You are created from energy — atoms. You shall return as energy — atoms. It is as simple as that."

Chief: "Okay. Ma'am, who created you, the Gods?"

God: "I and my fellow Gods are absolutes. We always have been and always will be. Ponder that one for awhile there, Slick."

Chief: "Yes Ma'am, I'll do just that. Ma'am do you check up, if you will, on what you have created throughout the universe?"

God: "We drop in from time to time just to see how things are going. I shall admit that we tend to leave species on their own. We take a kind of a hands off approach. After all we did provide everything in the beginning needed to sustain life and for life to prosper. The intelligent life on other planets have done just fine. Y'all are a sorry exception.

"With the human race we Gods have basically washed our hands of you. Y'all have a real attitude and ego problem and that needs to be corrected before you can fix the rest of your species induced problems."

Chief: "Well Ma'am, could you and the other Gods fix our problems and would you be willing to do so?"

God: "Of course we could fix what ails you if we were so inclined. However, you must understand that y'alls conduct has and please excuse my language, pissed us off so much that should we decide to fix y'alls manifest problems we would clean your lot's clock and y'all would not at all care for the results.

"Homo Sapiens — thinking man. My foot. Y'all haven't used your brain for constructive purposes in thousands of years. In fact you have allowed yourselves to become dumbed down over the course of eons. You use a club instead of your head. You all could still sink a little lower but not by very much."

Chief: "I take it we are not well thought of?"

God: "You have got that one exactly right. One more question kid and then I'll be on my way."

Chief: "Okay Ma'am, last question — what should we, the human race that is, do to get back into your good graces?"

God: "Start using your brain for a change. It was put there for a reason you know. Get rid of this hatred, bigotry and discrimination that you all carry around like a huge chip on your shoulder. Judge people by their conduct — not by what they look like or what they may believe.

"Further, quit treating those who have different ideas than you as an enemy for they are not. Treat each other as what you all started as — equals. Power, greed and cruelty have no place in your race. Yet it is those three things most of your kind seek with a passion.

"Additionally, quit minding other people's business. If it doesn't directly concern you then it isn't any of your concern.

"Quit worshiping us Gods. We don't need it and we really don't like it. Besides for y'all it is merely an excuse to commit evil which is something we do not care for in the least. And remember this, if what you wish to do does not cause someone else harm then do as you wish.

"Lastly, drop the attitude and ego. It is irritating, wrong and very unbecoming.

"Well I must be on my way. Thank you for the excellent Piñon coffee and hospitality."

Chief: "Thank you God ... er ... Ma'am. It was a privilege for us both. Do you think we do this again sometime?"

God: "No."

And then God was gone. Just like that. She did, however, leave us a great deal to think about and act upon. I suggest we do exactly that before it becomes too late.

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