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Friday, 04 December, 2020

The Essarycist

Date: 26 September, 2004

By: Chief

Imagehe first thing you all need to know is that the State of New Mexico, the state in which I live, is one of the very few states in this country which does not have a bunch of nanny laws, rules and regulations. The state government actually respects the citizenry of the state and, as such, believes that the fewer rules, etc., the better. Yes the vast, and I do mean vast, majority of the people in New Mexico have common sense. It is truly a wonderful thing to behold. Unfortunately there are a few, very few, people in this great state that do not have common sense. And that is where the Essarycist comes in.

But what, you might ask is an Essarycist? An Essarycist is a person who gets rid of Essaryisms. Now an Essaryism is nothing more than something done or built or repaired in a absolute half-assed manner. Something held together with baling wire and bubblegum is an Essaryism. An Essarycist properly fixes or exorcizes the half-ass work done by an Essary type person. Hence if you have an Essaryism in your house or car or whatever, you need a specialist, an Essarycist to correct the problem.

In fact there was this old boy, and old is quite apropos, who was the epitome of an Essary. Yes, indeed he was. I believe the current word on the street, at the one and only barber shop in town, is that he is now in Arizona and more than likely performing Essaryisms to the utter dismay of all those around him. Now I will not tell you his actual name. It is suffice to say that we call him Baling Wire Essary or B.W. for short and for good reason.

I am not kidding in the least when I say that B.W. literally held everything together with baling wire. That is not a joke. It is the sad truth. So while you are reading this and laughing your ass off, there are people that I know who are working with an Essarycist to rid their house, barn, pump house and property of numerous Essaryisms scattered pell-mell all over the place. It is something you would have to see to believe.

In the Southeast part of New Mexico lives a young man by the name of Grant who is an actual Essarycist. He gets called upon to exercise his power of reversing Essaryisms committed by B.W. and cohorts. He stays busy.

About this time you are probably wondering if I can provide any examples of a real live, as in gen-u-wine, Essaryism. As I stated earlier this is not a joke and I can indeed provide some examples. That being said here we go.

The first example, and there are many, pertain to a person whose home, when built, was wired by B.W. As you are most likely aware, houses have a main circuit breaker panel. The voltage that a power company provides to the main service panel is normally 240 volts. The main service panel then splits the voltage into two 120 volt legs which the circuit breakers are hooked into and thus provides safe electricity throughout the home.

Well B.W., for reasons known only to himself, decided to take one leg (120 volts) of the 240 volts and ground it. Then, to add insult to injury, B.W. wired the entire home using just the other leg of the voltage. Plus he used 30 amp circuit breakers and attached 20 amp wire. Jesus Christ! That is a fire waiting to start. Then the main ground wire he, B.W. that is, just wrapped the wire, insulation and all, around a ground rod and instead of driving the rod into earth ground, he laid it on its side and just covered it with dirt. That is B.W. for ya.

Fear not dear readers, Grant the Essarycist came to the rescue of the hapless home owner. He corrected the ground wire problem first, reconnected the grounded leg of the 240 volt service, installed a new service box and then rewired the entire house. It cost a pretty penny but considering the alternative, it was well worth it for the home owner.

For the second example and to show you that an Essaryism does not have to be strictly an electrical nightmare, allow me to introduce a plumbing Essaryism.

You have probably seen on homes numerous pipes sticking out the top of the roof. Ever wonder just what in the hell those are? They are vents for your home's plumbing. And they are necessary. Without vents the home owner is more than likely going to be in a real stinky situation — to say the least.

B.W., our anti-hero in this saga, plumbed an entire house and put in no, as in nada, vents. Once the new owners occupied the home for about a week, to say the aroma floating through every room in the house would make your eyes water would be a prize understatement.

The new owners, having just moved in from another state and, as such, did not know about Essaryisms and therefore did not initially know about Essarycists, were fast to learn. Hell the town they live in only has about 600 people so word does spread and quickly. The owners contacted Grant, the Essarycist, and he, once again, corrected another Essaryism fiasco. The owners were pleased, the house no longer smells like a cesspool and all is right with the world.

I could provide more examples but I figure that two different kinds of examples are enough to satisfy the non-believers.

One can only hope that B.W. has retired from whatever he thought he was doing and is no longer performing mayhem on the homes or property of unsuspecting owners. Although forcing B.W. to live in a house that is filled with Essaryisms might just be a fitting punishment. As the Mikado sang in Gilbert & Sullivans light opera The Mikado, "Let the punishment fit the crime."

And should, as a beautiful twist of fate, that actually happen I for one would consider it poetic justice.

As for hapless home owners, I suspect that Grant and other Essarycists will be busy correcting Essaryisms for years to come.

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