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  Nostalgia ain't what it used to be

Friday, 04 December, 2020
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Another Shocker

Date: 15 November, 2019

By: Chief

Imageack in June of this bloody year, though I thought things were going along fairly well, and I was doing my own thing completely independently things were not going at all according too plan. I was just too blind to see.

I was in the throws of physical pain. Principally of my knees and hips. This was not new and I was on pain medications for it. Oxycontin was my friend. 30mg twice daily and 15mg once daily for breakthrough pain. I was also taking medical marijuana in the form of a rub which worked quite well. Hence I was still able to complete my walks. I was walking three times a week and each walk was between 3 and 5 miles in length. Sigh, and yes it was taking longer to complete these walks at least I was able to complete them. Thank Christ for that.

But Oxy was not my friend, it was one of the demons possessing me. After a while it did not do the job I needed it to do. Which is the same for all opiates. They end up owning you. Yay team.

What I didn't realize

Was that I was walking into a minefield of my own making. No doubt I didn't see the Agent Orange or the subsequent tumor, Respiratory Cancer and Diabetes which were all rolling merrily downhill like the proverbial landslide. Think about it, who in the name of Sam Thump would? But there were other, far more insidious symptoms building which, it turns out, would have a profound change upon everything that I am and, too a degree, everything I ever was. Nobody, and I do mean nobody likes to have their entire adult life crumpled up like a wad of Kleenex and unceremoniously tossed into the trash heap.

Yet I kept blindly doing my walks and waving at every single vehicle which went by. And that was cool because the vast majority of people waved back. It was great. It also kept me blind. Which was not great. Not at all. But I was, at least on the outside, happy. On the inside ... not so much.

Things really started coming apart after my 2 week plus stay in the blasted hospital. Once I got home I ended up coming to the stark realization that I was not going to be able to:

All together that realization took until the 22nd of October (this year). Finally all those landslides came to a rest — right outside my door — brother was it ever a shocker. And not a fun one either let me tell you.

What in the world happened

I'll tell you what happened, and I am not at all proud of it either. I absolutely suffered a series of mental melt downs. Yeah, that's right, me. The old Chief. The man who had most, if not all, of the answers. I was doing such things as:

The worst part of the whole deal is I had utterly no control over what I was doing. Or when an episode would hit. How lovely.

So after two or three particularly bad incidents I knew it was time to see my healer — Doc. Jon. I was lucky enough to get into to see him yesterday (25 October, 2019). Oh boy, just on the way to his office I was thinking 'do I really have to tell him everything'? Regrettably, the answer was yes. I needed as in the worst way too be rid of the demons which were driving me bloody insane

Yes, it was a fairly long appointment, Doc. listening and asking rather pointed questions, some of which I could not answer as I did not remember them. Jeez, what a mess. I guess about 20 minutes into the Q and A I asked Doc.

"Doc., Am I crazy? I don't feel crazy but then what the hell am I?"

His response was basically:

"No. I don't think you are crazy at all. What I do think is you have been through a tremendous amount of rough and terrible things over the past two - five years or so.

"The brain, my friend, can only take so much and then the emotions start to overload. And that is what I suspect has happened to you.

"Additionally, you are incredibly independent and that could also a major contributing factor. As human beings we all need other people. It is how we are wired from the factory. We need people. And you [Chief] need people more than most.

"It seems to me that what we are looking at is a clear and deep case of depression. Probably coupled to a panic attack." [Emphasis added]

Everything he said made sense to me. Indeed I began to relax for the first time in weeks. That is until the "D" word came out. "D" as in Depression. But truth be told by that time I did not care what the diagnoses was, I just wanted it gone. I was about ready to hire a local medicine man or go down to Congo Square for a touch of black magic. Truthfully Anything which would make this ... oh alright, depression, there I said it, ya happy? Go away.

Epilogue

Okay. At the end of the visit I was given two prescriptions and a recommendation or suggestion. The prescriptions were for:

While the recommendation was for good old pot. Mary Jane, Ganja, Marijuana. Call it what you will. I much prefer the idea of pot to Zoloft. That stuff just scares the beJeezes out of me.

I am taking the Xanax 3 times daily and you know what — I am far more relaxed than I have been in years. I am currently hunting up some good pot and will be smoking it once I find what I like and what I can afford. Stuff ain't cheap anymore.

The bottom line is merely this: Don't let this stuff get out of hand or it shall own you. Believe thee me my friends that is one thing ye do not want.

Live your life — just keep people involved. Being a loner isn't fun.

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