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Thursday, 03 December, 2020

Tips for Marital Bliss

Date: 15 January, 2011

By: Chief

Imageell, I guess it was back in '63, When eatin' my cookin' got the better of me, So I asked this little girl I was goin' with to be my wife. Well, she said she would, so I said, 'I do'. But I'da said, 'I wouldn't' if I'da just knew how sayin' 'I do' Was gonna screw up all o' my life." (Jerry Reed, She got the Goldmine I got the Shaft, 1982)

This story could also be called "Survival 101 — Suggestions for Newlyweds and Other Idiots."

I have noticed that each new year seems to send the unseen signal:

'Love is in the air ... so get yours now before it is too late as all the good ones will soon be taken'.

So young and old, rich and poor race out to their:

Which usually lasts about one month.

After that initial month is over one or both of the newly married couple will wake up one day with something akin to a champagne hangover, which is the absolute worst kind, and wonder to themselves or out loud:

'What in the world was I thinking?'

The obvious answer is — you weren't thinking. At least not with your brain (I am directing that towards the guys — we never seem to think with our brain). And so until their day in divorce court comes and the judge kindly unties the knot the unhappy couple shall enjoy hallway sex (passing each other in the hallway and shouting 'fuck you' at each other).

"Well, the first few years weren't all that bad. I'll never forget the good times we had, 'Cause I'm reminded every month when I send her the child support. Well, it wasn't too long till the lust all died. And I'll admit I wasn't too surprised, The day I came home and found my suitcase sittin' out on the porch." (Jerry Reed, She got the Goldmine I got the Shaft, 1982)

Educating our young

When it comes to Cupid and then ultimately marriage parents tend to be their childrens own worst enemy. The reason for this is quite simple — in the case of a daughter mom and dad can't wait to marry her off because that way she'll become someone else's responsibility and albatross. Hence mom and dad outright lie to little Susie filling her head with fluff about marital:

In the case of a son most dads simply tell their son, without mom anywhere within earshot, to:

'Get all you can before you get married because once married that wedding ring instantly turns into a ball and chain. And a divorce will financially destroy you for years to come.'

The most mommy will say to Junior is:

'Just don't marry some dormitory slut and well ... just be a good husband'.

What mommy dearest will not tell Junior (he'll find this out on his own soon enough) is 'being a good husband' means accepting the ball and chain for the rest of his natural life.

In most states convicted murders are out in less than 20 years (they're out sooner than that if quickly executed). But once a man says the infamous "I do" the preacher, now judge, sentences the newly crowned husband to life — without the possibility of parole. Well, there is a parole, kinda, but the cure tends to be worse than the disease (which really sucks).

"Well, I tried to get in, she changed the lock. Then I found this note taped on the mailbox that said, 'Goodbye, turkey. My attorney will be in touch'. So I decided right then and there I was gonna do what's right give 'er her fair share but, brother, I didn't know her share was gonna be that much." (Jerry Reed, She got the Goldmine I got the Shaft, 1982)

The tips

The entire point and purpose of this story is to hopefully:

Now armed with the following nuggets of wisdom, gleaned from centuries of martial experience, y'all will be able tell in-laws, parents, marriage counselors, lawyers and judges to kiss y'alls collective butts. So hang on 'cause here we go:

1. Do not get married: If you really need companionship — get a dog.

2. Do not get married because you can't cook: Learn to cook or eat out. Further, if you're horny find a social service technician (also known as hookers). They're everywhere, some accept credit cards and a few offer group rates.

3. If you do get married: Live at separate residences. For food and sex alternately visit each other's place, talk to each other as little as possible and once dinner and dessert (sex) are finished — leave.

4. Women are smarter than men: Do not forget this. And if you do your loving little wife will remind you till who laid the rails. I gar-un-tee you that.

5. Do not argue with your wife: You will lose (refer to tips 1, 2, 3 and 4).

6. All men are still boys: This is painfully obvious and self explanatory.

7. All men are pigs: But not every pig is a man (I just had to insert that qualifier).

8. Do not try to change your husband: You will fail. This is rather like trying to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig (refer to tip 7).

9. Men have three goals: Food, sex and sleep. Any activity which does not directly aid in achieving these three goals is to be avoided at all costs.

10. The promise always works: If you want your husband to do something, anything for that matter, just make him the promise and he shall accomplish the dreaded task quickly and joyfully. The promise is you, the little woman, promising hubby a blow job. Thank you Boss Queen for that tip. Note I did not say you must fulfill the promise — just make it (refer to tip 9).

11. Most men can be house broken: But none can ever be fully domesticated (refer to tips 6, 7, 8 and 9).

12. All men can be led: By their stomach, their tallywacker or preferably both (refer to tip 9).

13. A wedding is the down payment for life: But a divorce costs even more (refer to tips 1 and 2).

14. Kissing don't last ... cooking do: Sex, however, does run a real close second (refer to tip 9).

15. The smoke detector: Is not a timer telling you when dinner is cooked (refer to tip 14). Thanks to Ron "Tater Salad" White for that tip.

16. A wife's favorite motto: "Revenge is a dish best served cold."

17. 'I can't wait for you to give me grandchildren': Translation — Parental vengeance for the way you acted as a kid.

18. Children: If you want children because you are tired of cutting the grass — this is a really bad idea. Get a couple of sheep or goats instead. Thanks to Jeff Foxworthy for that tip.

19. Do not ever tell your wife she is getting fat: I cannot emphasize this enough (refer to tip 20).

20. Husbands die all the time: Self explanatory (refer to tip 19).


So there you have it friends and neighbors. Those 20 tips are your keys to the wonderful world of blissful matrimony. Well at the very least now you know what to expect.

"While she's livin' like a queen on alimony ... I'm workin' two shifts, eatin' baloney ... Askin' myself, 'Why didn't you just learn how to cook'?" (Jerry Reed, She got the Goldmine I got the Shaft, 1982)

So true. So painfully true.

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