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Wednesday, 17 January, 2018
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A Losing Battle

Date: 01 January, 2010

By: Chief

Imagectually the battle has been fought and lost. Yet, for reasons unknown, the battle continues to this very day. And will continue on 'til the end of time. Or at least 'til the end of man.

Why? Oh why, guys, do we do it? Why do we always have to argue with our wife, girlfriend or all of the the above? We know well in advance we are going to lose. We've never won — not even once (at least we are consistent). In all of human history we, the males of the species, are batting zero. With that kind of batting average we couldn't even make the Special Olympics. We'd be laughed out of the tryouts — before we got up to the plate. Either that or the best we'd be is bench warmers. Well, maybe the water boy. But no higher.

Smarter than us

There has to be a reason for this dubious, nay, abysmally perfect score. In point of fact I believe there are two quite distinct reasons:

Like it or not women are smarter than men are. They always have been. Additionally there is one thing man never fails to think about — sex. Women know this ya understand. We men would rather lose an argument than do without sex. I can't blame us at all for that. God help us but if we were to win an argument, by the time 'the little woman' let us get back into her pants — we'd be too bloody old to do anything with it. And women know that! It just ain't fair. However, as the old saying goes — "Life ain't spelled 'f-a-i-r'."

Men, as every normal male knows, come equipped from the factory with two heads. Alas, women know this as well. Women further realize the only time men use that huge melon which is located on the top of our neck is for:

Robin Williams, comedian extraordinaire, infamously stated:

"God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time."

Yes, blast it, women know that one also.

You must be wondering, 'cause I was, just how in the world can women know everything about us and we men don't know anything about women? Well, as Kim Cattrall (Samantha, from Sex and the City), once said:

"Men aren't that complicated. They're kind of like plants."

So much for our intellect.

Conquering man

The other reason is simply — women trained us to be the way we are.

It's a fact. Back in the day, the caveman days to be sure, things were rough, especially for a female. There was no such thing as dating or marriage. There also was no such thing as 'retirement in your golden years'. Well there was retirement — it was called death. Just like it is today. Somethings never change.

Women, much to their dismay, were simply taken, used and tossed aside. Be it by one man or an entire group. Today we call such conduct rape. Back then it was merely business as usual. Women, I suspect, got rather tired of said treatment pretty darn quickly and rightfully so. However, what could a woman do about it? There was no way little ol' Josephine Cavegirl could match Joe Caveman strength wise and she knew it. So, somehow or another, Josephine Cavegirl devised a plan — a devious and without doubt a diabolical plan as well. Josephine set out to conquer man.

Josephine Cavegirl had observed men all of her life. That means, if she was lucky, all 15 years of her life. She knew that men were:

Hmmm. That doesn't say much in a positive sense about man. Truth hurts.

Miss Cavegirl had also noticed that all men seemed to be driven by three basic needs. Instantly she knew these three male needs or goals were not just a basic instinct of nature but driven needs as well. Josephine also quickly realized these needs were also man's Achilles heel, the chink in man's armour. Which, by the way, would not be invented for thousands of years. Josephine Cavegirl knew if she could capitalize on man's three needs, she would indeed be able to conquer man.

Man's daily and lifetime needs or goals are one and the same and have never, as in ever, to this very day changed. They are:

Anything which does not assist in the accomplishment of man's goals for the most part is forgotten or avoided.

Hence, Josephine basically cut a deal with Joe. Josephine would:

In exchange for fulfilling his needs Joe would:

It probably took Joe Caveman all of 2 seconds to agree or grunt 'I do'. And there you have it — the house breaking of man. Note I did not say fully domesticated. That has never happened. It probably never will either. Sorry girls, but even Josephine could not accomplish that miracle.

Think about it for a minute. In the grand scheme of things — not all that much has changed over the eons. I still take out the garbage. Furthermore, man has not really evolved. Women have. But not men. Why? We still live by our three driven needs. Women know this and are keeping us the exact same way Josephine Cavegirl first discovered and subsequently used to conquer us.

Besides our needs have been met. We're content. We're happy.

A new and wonderful discovery

Over time Josephine or some other cave girl got tired of having Joe threaten to leave her if she did not fall on her back and let Joe hop on and do his thing whenever he wanted. She was fed up being a baby factory and sex machine. Besides Joe stank. However, she had to live up to the terms of the contract.

So once again our little cavegirl heroine started thinking. She knew Joe wanted sex on a daily basis, at a minimum. She also knew Joe's missile always sought out moisture. And she readily admitted she was getting tired of sex. Then in a single bold stroke of genius the idea came to her — her mouth and tongue were moist. So she tried her idea out on Joe.

Joe loved it. Indeed, Joe would do anything she asked for it. Anything. And so the ubiquitous blowjob was born. Man would never again be the same. We are led around by our tallywackers (but with a smile on our face). Once again as Kim Cattrall (Samantha, Sex and the City) put it:

"Men, they may have you on your knees, but you've got them by the balls."

Happy new year.

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