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Tuesday, 24 November, 2020

Hay Yew

Date: 01 January, 2009

By: Chief

Imager is it Hay Ewe? No that doesn't seem right. Oh, I've got it — Hay You. No. Something is still definitely wrong. Ah Hell's bells, let me try this one — Hey You. Hmmm. I'm not sure, but I think it ought to work even if it is wrong.

And there are, purportedly at least, some people who state or claim the English language is not difficult to learn.

Puh-lease. The English language is the hardest language in the world to learn, let alone master. Doubly so for folks like me who don't speak English — not even as a second language. I live in the United States hence we speak American. It is no where near the same as British English. Furthermore, and just to clarify things, here in south east New Mexico we don't speak 'American' either. No sir. We speak 'Merican. And it is vastly different from American.

Oh, you don't believe me that English is different from American and 'Merican is way different from American? Oh y'all of very little faith. Here are just a couple of examples of the most rudimentary differences:

Told you.

Now if you re-look at the first paragraph of this story you (or is it yew or is it ewe?) will discover three different spellings (and meanings) for the word 'you' and two different spellings (and meanings) for the word 'hey'. Yet they are pronounced exactly the same. I would call that an unmitigated disaster. Wouldn't you (don't get me started again)?

Here are a few more examples of a language gone astray:

How about:


Even better:

Lastly how about:

Jesus Christ, Maynard, all those words are:

I could probably go on for a few more weeks showing you the same kind of examples but I don't want to — I'd end up running the asylum — as an inmate.

It is no small wonder that most immigrants, legal or otherwise, have one devil of a time attempting to learn the 'Merican language let alone mastering it. It makes no sense and nobody has the time. It would (or is it wood, there you go you got me started again — quit!) be a career in and unto itself. And the pay ain't that great either.

Let us for the moment consider two distinct letters of the 'Merican alphabet, the letters 'C' and 'X'. What point do they serve? Really? What precise point is there (or is it their? Alas, I give up.) for their (or is it there? Shit.) being in the alphabet? I can think of only one viable, reasonable and logical reason — confusion. Sigh.

For each instance where the letter 'C' is currently used it can be replaced by the letter 'K' or the letter 'S'. There is utterly no exception (maybe that is why it has not happened yet). The letter 'C' can and should be done away with — forthwith. As in right now.

As for the letter 'X' — it has never, and let me put a time frame on this - as in ever, had a point or place within the 'Merican language. And no 'X-ray' is not, got that, not a word. Indeed, 'X-ray' is an acronym. As such the letter 'X' (God, this is really beginning to sounding like Sesame Street), can be ditched instantly. And the sooner the better, says I.

In a recent "Alertbox" column, (why is there [or is it their? Ahhh!] an 'N' in the spelling of the word column?), web site usability God, and he really is God believe me, Jakob Nielsen stated (quoting Mr. [God] Nielsen):

"The Queen's English is posh and universally admired."

For once, in all the years I have been reading his column (there ... [I'm not going to do it] is that 'N' again), I must disagree with Mr. [God] Nielsen. The Queen's English is not universally admired. Far from it. It is, however, universally loathed. So is American and possibly 'Merican for that matter.

Why would that be pray tell? Because there ( ... NO!) are absolutely no rules which govern the language, either the Queen's or 'Merican. On the other hand, there ( ... ) are a plethora of exceptions. To be sure both languages are held together by the rule of exceptions. It is the exceptions which act as a glue to attempt to hold the blasted mess together. But rules, hah! There is a complete dearth of rules. Neither the Queen's nor 'Merican's English has ever met a rule it did not tear asunder completely.


Don't even bother trying to use it on 'Merican English. For (or is it four? Ah, I quit.) if you ( ... absolutely not.) try you shall fail. Absolutely. Don't think so? Here is a perfect example of why you ( ... or is it ewe? Balderdash.) shall fail.

The word we shall use in this example is 'Coffee'. If you attempt to spell 'Coffee' phonetically — using the 'Merican or Queen's rule of exceptions 'Coffee' would be spelled as such:


No joke people. Take that to a third grade English teacher and they will tell you the exact same thing. This just flat out stinks doesn't it? Why yes, yes it does.

So how do we fix the un-fixable? Well (or is it ...? Ahhh! Same word, same spelling but two different meanings. Blast.) we could and should start out obliterating the letters 'C' and 'X' from the alphabet and replacing every single instance of the use of the letter 'C' with either (or both as needed) the letter 'K' or the letter 'S'. Replace the letter 'X' with the letter that sounds the word that the letter 'X' is using. For instance the word "Xylophone" sounds as if there should be the letter 'Z' leading off. See what I mean? I thought you would (or is it ... oh no, not again).

Just doing those two ( ... nope) things, which could be done easily, should not take over three or four ( ... hah, fooled ya) decades to accomplish. A long time to wait but it shall be worth it. After that I have no idea. But somebody does. More importantly it must be done if we are to be able to speak and have our spoken words make sense.

And whatever you do don't forget that 'Ghoti' spells — fish.

English — it makes no sense at all.

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